Hap-hap-happiest Time of the Year

So Christmas came. And it went. I don't know how a year managed to
wrangle past so quickly, but here we are nearly at 2010. Which, by
all accounts will be a good year. What more can you say about the
release year of FF XIII? Anyway...

Let's recap 2009 for everyone who lived through it (and thus doesn't
need a recap):

•We got a new president. Which just went to prove that our nation is
still both racist and socially unprogressive. But that's the way Jesus
wants it.

•We are living through history. I think most of the events of the
last few years have really just been a sign of the end of American
Imperialism. Our "empire" is in decline, and frankly that's okay. I
mean hell, it worked out for the Brits right? Someday textbooks will
say this. Maybe not American textbooks, but textbooks somewhere. This
decline is most likely due to homosexuals destroying marriage/family
values, our failure to continue torturing other (non-American) human
beings and liberals advocating a universal right to healthcare. It
certainly wouldn't involve our moral superiority complex and divine-
right approach to international relations or capitalist greed in our
financial sector. Luckily our educational system is broken, so more
parents can keep their children home-schooled and away from Satanist
teachings like evolution and global warming. After all, science has no
place in the Lord's Nation.

•For you locals, we learned that the LDS church is akin to the
southern blacks during the civil rights movement, according to Dallin
H. Oaks. This is because the Church is being persecuted for helping
to deny equal rights to another group of people. Just like the
southern blacks were lynched and hung because they didn't want
Mexicans to be allowed to marry. Just like that.

•We discovered that swine flu is way worse than bird flu and we'll
all probably be dead from it soon enough. My school gave us this
advice: Don't go to the doctor if you get sick. We don't want to
overwhelm them. Also, if you're near the U when the flu turns this
country into Zombieland, it is worth knowing that the university
tennis courts have been designated as "The Morgue." Seriously.

• 2009 also took Michael Jackson from us. It was a difficult blow for
many people who didn't know him. And for those few who did. And for
those who sent their kids to his ranch.

•While we're on the subject of celebrities, Tiger Woods cheated on
his wife. Does anyone care? The Media does. And thank god because how
else would we get all the sordid details of the events that normal,
rational people don't give a shit about? Thankfully there are millions
of people who would rather hear about Tiger's marital problems than
all the real news going on. Wait, we're still in a war? Since when?

•Lastly, NASA discovered that there is likely water on the moon. I
could make some comment about our future possibilities for polluting
it, but that's just preachy so I'll simply say: yep. There's water on
the moon.

And there, dear friends, is a biased and useless recap of 2009.
Hopefully 2010 brings you joy, advancement and scads more scandals of
every type. Happy soon-to-be-new year!