An Open Letter to Gwen Stefani

Dear Gwen,

I noticed you haven't been in the studio recently and I am concerned.
When are you going to release another album so you can go on tour and
I can come see you in concert? Please rectify this situation
immediately. Thank you.

Peter

Last Seen at Sundance

I've been going to Sundance again this year. It's usually my favorite time too; Seeing nouveau cinema, with a fresher perspective (if not the renegade affair they like to pretend it is - the irony of one of the largest and most commercial film festivals saddling the theme of "Rebel" is inescapable). This year has, so far, proven a mixed bag of films. From the outright psychedelic and terrifying Pepperminta (highly recommended if you've ever craved watching someone menstruate into a silver chalice then feed it to friends), the underwhelming New Low (it would seem that in order to write a character who is witty and wry, the writer himself ought to be witty and wry) or the interesting, if uneven Taqwacores (did anyone even realize there was a Muslim punk scene?), this hasn't been a typical year of high quality for me. That judgement is premature as I still have seven more films to go, but even so, I don't regret seeing movies. Virtually ever, in fact. The only film I think I desperately wanted out of was The Wedding Planner, but that's likely because I had no one who would mock it with me. I don't mind terrible movies, and there's always something gained by the experience, good or bad.

No, the movies aren't my beef this year. It's the people.

Sure, it's always been like this, and perhaps I'm just taking it to heart this time round. But there are a load of toolbags everywhere I turn. All with their stupid parka coats, stupid unkempt - in an "artsy" sort of way - appearance, and hauling their livelihood around like one of the Pioneer Park homeless, in a stupid backpack. God, the backpacks. The appearance is annoying enough, like they're setting out for a hike to Mt. Everest base camp, not sit in a theater for a couple hours. Not just annoying when you trip over them, carelessly thrown in the aisles of a restaurant, it smacks of yuppie, and has come to symbolize for me the crowd of people who attend this festival not for the films, but for the event that it is. It's the same plague that afflicts all the locals who, upon learning you "went to Sundance," inquire as to who you saw. For some, this is less a place of new ideas in a relatively young art form, and more a celebrity press event. A place to be seen, or if you're not famous enough to be seen, a place to be seen with those who are.

I sit in theaters, looking at high maintenance women who are hoping they'll see some cliché romantic comedy, or if it has to be a drama, a touching Titanic-esque piece. There's the attention craving homos who are desperate to be a part of a connected, affluent and edgy world, be it by means of bragging rights or keeping themselves clothed in Gucci with a well placed blow job. There's the grungy types, who work extremely hard to cultivate their counter-culture look and attitude, who have to show up at these things if they're going to continue their "check-out-how-stylishly-I-give-'the man'-the-middle-finger" hipness. And there are more, oh so many more. These aren't people who look for alterations in cinematic narrative, editing convention, or experimental camerawork. They're really there to party and talk up the exclusivity to their friends. If they have to see a few movies to make themselves seem special and part of something, so be it.

Maybe I'm jaded. And perhaps I am, as with each passing year I seem to find a deeper well of cynicism with which to approach life. I'm just tired of the facades that flock to something that ought to offer unconventional perspectives taking stabs at truth. I also realize that maybe I'm no better. I sit in judgement, but perhaps I'm just one more toolbag, of the imperious variety.

Sundance is hardly alone in its attraction to people of the "reality tv" generation. This is an age where we've been fed on shows that teach anyone can be a celebrity, American royalty. Unlike the antiquated British system of blood lines, these days all it takes is gold-digging for a rose from some bachelor, a well placed youtube video, a bitchy housewife in Atlanta, or a "leaked" sex tape. You don't have to actually have talent or connections, except maybe to the internet. Everyone wants to be rich, everyone wants to be famous, and now that it seems so attainable, we're all the more desperate for others to think we are. Truly this is the land where dreams come true. And sometimes I don't think there's any low to which people won't stoop to achieve them.

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WTF?  Only in Idaho. 

Hap-hap-happiest Time of the Year

So Christmas came. And it went. I don't know how a year managed to
wrangle past so quickly, but here we are nearly at 2010. Which, by
all accounts will be a good year. What more can you say about the
release year of FF XIII? Anyway...

Let's recap 2009 for everyone who lived through it (and thus doesn't
need a recap):

•We got a new president. Which just went to prove that our nation is
still both racist and socially unprogressive. But that's the way Jesus
wants it.

•We are living through history. I think most of the events of the
last few years have really just been a sign of the end of American
Imperialism. Our "empire" is in decline, and frankly that's okay. I
mean hell, it worked out for the Brits right? Someday textbooks will
say this. Maybe not American textbooks, but textbooks somewhere. This
decline is most likely due to homosexuals destroying marriage/family
values, our failure to continue torturing other (non-American) human
beings and liberals advocating a universal right to healthcare. It
certainly wouldn't involve our moral superiority complex and divine-
right approach to international relations or capitalist greed in our
financial sector. Luckily our educational system is broken, so more
parents can keep their children home-schooled and away from Satanist
teachings like evolution and global warming. After all, science has no
place in the Lord's Nation.

•For you locals, we learned that the LDS church is akin to the
southern blacks during the civil rights movement, according to Dallin
H. Oaks. This is because the Church is being persecuted for helping
to deny equal rights to another group of people. Just like the
southern blacks were lynched and hung because they didn't want
Mexicans to be allowed to marry. Just like that.

•We discovered that swine flu is way worse than bird flu and we'll
all probably be dead from it soon enough. My school gave us this
advice: Don't go to the doctor if you get sick. We don't want to
overwhelm them. Also, if you're near the U when the flu turns this
country into Zombieland, it is worth knowing that the university
tennis courts have been designated as "The Morgue." Seriously.

• 2009 also took Michael Jackson from us. It was a difficult blow for
many people who didn't know him. And for those few who did. And for
those who sent their kids to his ranch.

•While we're on the subject of celebrities, Tiger Woods cheated on
his wife. Does anyone care? The Media does. And thank god because how
else would we get all the sordid details of the events that normal,
rational people don't give a shit about? Thankfully there are millions
of people who would rather hear about Tiger's marital problems than
all the real news going on. Wait, we're still in a war? Since when?

•Lastly, NASA discovered that there is likely water on the moon. I
could make some comment about our future possibilities for polluting
it, but that's just preachy so I'll simply say: yep. There's water on
the moon.

And there, dear friends, is a biased and useless recap of 2009.
Hopefully 2010 brings you joy, advancement and scads more scandals of
every type. Happy soon-to-be-new year!

How many resurrections does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Okay, the title doesn't make any sense. Nor will the rest of this post. But I have seen a pattern here in my blogging; it functions very much like a wave pattern: periods of heightened activity and interspersed with dropping off the face of the planet.

I apologize for this. I should be more regular. Which is why I'm shooting for a high-fiber diet. But I should also write more often.

The show which consumed my life has come to an abrupt end, and I will post pictures... once I get them. But this should leave me with more time. Theoretically. In reality all I've been left with is a bit of creative satisfaction, an overpowering urge to drink wine with friends, and the urge to play video games.

For right now, that's enough. Hopefully I'll have more luck in the future waxing philosophically. Or at least cynically. Today, I'm just going to remember how much fun it is to be an 8 foot tall blue tiger with a huge sword and a badass fashion sense (a reference that likely makes sense to almost none of you... your loss).

The Colorado Way

Apple Jack. A store that carries more than all the Utah liquor stores
combined.

One More Thing

I would like to know why Utah is so damned backwards. If anyone has an
answer, I'd love to hear it. My current theory is that as People-Who-
Have-the-Truth, Mormons feel it's necessary to pick on those who
"don't."

I guess if you're not in with the popular crowd, it's cool for the
majority to restrict your rights and make your life inconvient, (which
is funny given their history) whether we're talking gay marriage or
finding a decent bottle of wine in the store.

Found three favorite wines in Colorado today. None are carried by the
DABC.

Baby - Barbera d'Asti
Voga - Italian Pinot Grigio
Green and Red - California Zinfandel

Thanks Utah, for making getting away an even more pleasurable
experience due to your restrictive and discriminatory mentality.