Hey blog. It's been a long time.
Today I feel healthy. I finally made myself get up and do a short jog today. It doesn't sound like much but it feels like moving a mountain, to undo all the laziness and blatant unhealthiness I've cultivated. And I speculate that all those released endorphins running through my addled brain are what have inspired me to take up the keyboard again for a brief moment. I do feel good, and like a good strong coffee, it makes me think I can take on the world.
This line of reasoning brought me back to my two New Year's goal that have, for the most part, fallen to the wayside. Last year I felt it was important to make manageable goals, so I decided upon playing more video games and urban exploration. The bar wasn't exactly high, but I'm pleased to say I accomplished both of those, the latter in a round about matter while making a web series, but nonetheless, accomplished. This year, I felt it was important to create guiding principles instead. So I struck on two important aspects with which to focus my growth and development:
1) To make the hard decisions.
I'm the kind of person who can be paralyzed by difficult decisions. Or easy decisions. I worry about the ramifications, the best possible outcome, and the meaning of my choice. Even in meaningless things. I'm the kind of person who had to read Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books with all my fingers, each holding a page where a choice had to be made, just in case. The problem with this is that soon I was holding ten places in a small book, and not enjoying the experience at all. And that's my point. As I get older I recognize that I've been conditioned to feel there always is a right and wrong choice. A black and a white, a moral and an amoral aspect to actions. Simply put, that's not true. The only decision that's wrong for one person with that which they feel wrong about or that which infringes up the rights and existence of another person. I'm aiming to remedy this in my life. To look at the things I devote my time, health, life and energies to, and make the hard decisions. Not to anguish over the choice, but to make it and accept the outcome. Anxiety is born of determined outcomes. Sometimes you have to make choices that are hard, but are better for you. And instead of shying away I'll do what I feel is best. Sometimes you have to respect yourself and your decisions more than other people do.
2) To be open to the world and it's experiences.
It's a great big beautiful world. Once upon a time I relished that. I loved meeting new people, finding new experiences, cultures and ideas. And while I don't think that's been truly lost, it has been minimized by my 9-5 (which is anything but) and my frustrations with my career and direction the last several years. I want to build myself and find new and wonderful things that make this world worth living, and enjoying, and intellectualizing, and savoring.
So there you have my two small goals, the enormity of which is overwhelming at times. And I know I'll fail. Many times. I'll close off, or shy from complexities. But the key here is recognizing that behavior and taking tiny steps to slow it.
If I can fail enough times, eventually I'll succeed.