23 May 2008

Mostly, Knowledge is a Bad Thing. Mostly.

Let's be honest. Who wasn't excited to see the new Indiana Jones movie? To see our legendary hero in action once more before the grave calls him home... well that's a no-brainer.

Alas, I have a brain.

The movie itself was typical Indiana fare, with moments of over-the-top action and brash, deeply-accented baddies who just don't know when to stop (which always leads to an untimely demise). I know it is receiving mixed reviews, and truthfully who cares? The film is entertaining and pretty much everyone will see it. One critic complained that it was the same Indiana action movie of the past, and touted this as a negative. I'm not sure why this would be; nobody comes to a renewed action franchise like Indiana Jones with expectations of it being a groundbreaking departure from cinematic conventions. People want Indiana Jones, not Waiting for Godot starring Harrison Ford. In any event, it's a popcorn movie.

You know, I first heard that phrase from critics describing War of the Worlds a couple years back. Another Spielberg film, and perhaps one of the most painful experiences of my life. War blew chunks. And not just a little. Despite this, critics overwhelming enjoyed the movie! Why was everyone so anxious to (pardon the phrase) suck some Spielberg cock on that dismal attempt of a film? I will concede that the writing in Crystal Skulls might have been weak at times; there were definite holes in a few plot areas, but really, can we expect anything else from a George Lucas story?

And while we're on that subject, what the hell was up with those Star Wars movies? I mean hell... you want something to trash on, look no further than the story of sniveling young Anakin, and how His Whininess became a top-tiered dark lord. Right. I mean, all in all, Crystal Skulls was not even close to the realm of that train wreck in a Galaxy Far Far Away. Probably because Spielberg has redeemable qualities, such as the occasional penchant for actually directing. No questions that he makes crowd-pleasers most of the time that do well at the box office, if nothing for the stimulation of art in the minds of the people (although there are exceptions). But Lucas... well Lucas has given us a lot of beneficial technology, but really ought to leave the directing to others.

Okay, tangent finished. Plenty others have their opinions to dispense of this film, so I'm finished. See it for yourself instead. So, back to brains.


Didn't you love that part where Jar Jar Binks makes a cameo in the movie? Ha ha, just kidding. No, I enjoyed Indiana Jones, but I left with a heavy heart. The movie gave me more to think about than expected in its message about forgoing an education. Multiple lines in the movie inform us that as long as we're happy doing what we do (and drop out of high school to do so), its all good. Jones tells us to "get out of the library" and even the aliens, with their elongated heads proved to be nothing if not destructive with all their crazy learnedness.

But the real sign came towards the end, when our evil Ukrainian Cate demands that she be given all knowledge from the aliens. And they oblige.

Until this point, I had only been concerned about my overly large brain because of Zombies. Once the Umbrella Corporation experimental virus escapes, I know I'm a prime target. You don't find brains like mine anymore, with such a complex flavor and unique taste, nor of such size! I'm the kobe steak of brains, and as the population starts to be overrun by walking Undead, my days are probably numbered.

It turns out that not only am I at the top of the Zombie menu billing, I'm also in danger of becoming too smart. And as we all saw in the film, people who get too much knowledge are in grave danger of their eyes bursting into flame. And I'll tell you something, it didn't look to pleasant. I'd take stop-motion aging from the Cup of Christ any day over my eyes spontaneously combusting.


Doctors call this condition Ocular Knowledge-Based Combustion Disorder (or OKBCD) it's a very sad and real thing. One day you're just sitting there, relaxing with a good read on Quantum Physics and WHOOSH! Everything gets quite bright as your retinas leap into flame. After that, well you're just going to be toast. Getting too smart just might be the death of you. In a way I'm grateful for Spielberg showing me this, and educating the masses (although most are woefully under-intelligent anyway and not in any danger; how else do you explain saddling our country with George W. Bush two terms in a row?) about this potentially life-threatening situation. Now I know that I'll have to walk a very fine line for the rest of my life, avoiding Zombies, and occasionally trying to dumb myself down to avoid an O.K.B.C.D. accident. Perhaps I should drop out of college too - the movie makes a good case for this action.

In any event, reader beware. If you're bright enough to be my friend, you too might be in danger. And there's nothing worse than a blazing death by eyeball fire.


20 May 2008

A Hearty Bowl of Welcome Chili

Please, do come in. Thank you for joining me this dark and stormy evening, refreshments will be served shortly.

Yes my friends, I finally have a blog, not associated with a random fan film. Nor associated with that bane of most people's existence, Myspace. That's right, here we are at the dawning of a new era: mine. This is attempt at holding onto a shred of sanity in this chaotic world; and believe me, my sanity is hanging on by the edge of its fingernails, which are slowly being pried right off their metaphorical fingers. And that hurts.

So come on baby, let's make it hurt so good, shall we?

My areas of expertise are of course limited, and never one to pass over a fault I will embrace that. Thus I intend to blog on anything and everything with an unequivocal lack of expertise instead. Now, I really don't know who will read this, or care, but I will write anyway, in the hopes that scientists of a mythic, long distant future where America is in the grips of uneducated tyrants and in peril from crazy theocratic right-winged hypocrites, will discover my blog and will learn something from it. Something like the history of urinals. Which reminds me, I need to backblog a bit, by moving over my pieces from my myspace blog. These will cover the last couple years or so, and quite frankly, they're archive gold. Enjoy them.

I will of course be adding new blogs too, so don't worry. Until then, comments are always welcome.

And remember darling children, we're all murderers. Why look at you! You killed the best part of yourself years ago.