12 December 2006

Santa baby, I've been an awful good girl...

Too much time and nothing to do... well, relatively. I mean Christmas is coming and there's all sorts to be done with that, limited of course by my lack of cash. But really, isn't it all supposed to be about love? Or at least virgins giving birth without sex (somebody got screwed in that arrangement. Or didn't, more accurately.) Since when has Christmas become such a material holiday?

Which reminds me! I present for you, my...

Christmas List 2006
1. an airship (one endorsed by elite mercenaries)

2. a relaxing, extended vacation in the quiet resort town of Silent Hill...

3. rubber. sillicone, latex, take your pick.

4. self-grooming monkey. preferrably one that flies. if they're out of stock, get one with wheels for hands and feet instead.

5. some sort of body guard to protect my extremely large brain from zombies...

6. dinner with batman, and possible foreplay afterward

7. trekking gear. just because, okay? maybe i wanna trek. you ever think of that?

8. an eye infection from pig's blood... oh wait, that's just plain STUPID

9. the kid next to me to turn down the f***ing strongbad emails - sure they're good but we're in the library, writing VERY important blogs for god's sake!! And stop reading what I write you bastard next-to-me-kid. If I wanted your friendship, you'd be on my myspace.

10. for the WWE to utilize it's wrestlers incredible acting skills in breakout horror cinema... um... oh. well that's awkward.

11. For someone, anyone, to recognize that not all (just 98%) of americans are unintelligent and pick up Arrested Development.

12. Gwen Stephani's class and classic hair. (She doesn't do a loaner policy however, you'll have to steal it.)

13. A new pack of razors, to help curb the emotional pain.

14. To pass this final i'm avoiding studying for by writing a blog about christmas gifts...

and finally,

15. Evergreen edition of nard-shockers to cure my sickness. (In gold please, it's gotta match the diamonds in my grill)

Anyway, so it's Christmas, and you're welcome to give me any of the above items. Not that that's important. It's not. But don't bother coming by unless you've got something for me.

And as a matter of disclaimer, everyone I am buying for is getting a candy bar. Think of it, portable and delicious! NO REQUESTS PLEASE. "Can't wait?" I thought not. And if I really like you, you'll get one of these:
Portable, delicious, and deep fried!!! Mmmm... Could you make a snickers bar more healthy?

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

04 December 2006

Generating... Maddness!

Generating... deli-style bologne
Today... I want to talk about brilliant films and the differences between "Old Boy" and "Lady Vengeance." Alas, I'm not feeling that capable after my final paper for my experimental film class on "Eraserhead."


Since there's a system and all. Or whatnot. Anyway, the point is, it's not going to happen today despite how great they are. So... I've decided to pick some words at random (courtsey of the random word generator: Random Word Generator ) and then write something about it. The joys of unconventional and irrational blogging.

Words selected by the unbiased generator:

That should be enough. It seems fairly obvious to me that this blog will now have to be about Snowshoe Rabbit migration, a species of rabbit who rack up the mileage and go to great length crossing the Minnesota plains. Or Milwaukee. It was an M name, anyway. I often hear (figuratively of course, at least, I imagine that I might hear them anyway) my neighbors (in other states, not actual neighbors) complaining about rabbits mucking everything up by eathing the vegetation, but if you believe that then you're forgetting your history. That's right friends, gather round and grab a chair because it was that very migration that helped stop the Tick Infestation of 1884.

An excerpt from a previously undiscovered flint-miner's mining journal:

June 6, 1884 - Found some flint today.

June 7, 1884 - Didn't find any flint, but came home exhausted.

June 12, 1884 - No flint, the wife is unhappy. Says it's a waste of my time. Maybe she's right.

June 13, 1884 - Maybe she's not. No flint, but did find a pretty seashell which might be the perfect thing for that hemp necklace I was spinning. Wife says I should concentrate on panning more, not on processing plants for decorative accessories because we live in this ramshackle cabin and there's no one to impress. Can't give up though, almost have the formula right. If all goes well, should seperate the good and the evil nature out of me, while making a delightful and charming accent to any outfit.

June 14, 1884 - Success! Well, not in the mine, but with the formula. I think. I tried drinking it and I feel funny... bet it's working right now and my alter ego will come out any time now.

June 15, 1884 - Not sure if I have an alter ego yet. Mostly just an overwhelming desire to eat chocolate chip cookies. Wife won't make any, says she has no flint and no way to start a cook fire. Everything's always MY fault, isn't it?

June 19, 1884 - It's hot. I think I may kill my wife and bury her out here. Ow! Damn ticks.

Pay particular attention to that last line. As you can see, as early as mid-june in the year 1884 there were already a great number of ticks throughout Missouri. The people in the sparse cities were concerned because while ticks do carry all manner of disease and plague, they didn't really know this at the time and were mostly concerned about the annoying itch associated with a tick drinking your blood. So great was the concern that Michigan launched it's official "Don't Tick Me Off" campaign to try to find a cure. They still have the unofficial state slogan, "Minnesota's A.O.K." a direct reference to being tick-free. Unfortunately this coalition didn't find a cure.

Luckily, Fate was on the people of Montana's side.

Let us consider the tick for a moment - originally discovered in Taiwan, the tick is a little insect that sticks it's head in your skin, drinks your blood, and is crappily built. Their heads pop off inside you if you so much as graze them! Some historians theorize this was the beginning of trade and commerce with Taiwan and it is likely that other more militant u.s. based insects outsourced.

Let us consider the snowshoe rabbit, contendedly living in Washington D.C. or Canada or something - they like to eat ticks.

So it was a small matter for some local stations to advertise the tick problem and before you knew it, everyone was all over this idea of swooping in and using rabbits to save the people of Montreal from the ticks. Naturally the people who came up with this idea and put pressure on the rabbits to do so had NO investments in controlling the rabbits or their land, and there was a nice battle, in which lots of ticks and rabbits died and somebody somewhere got rich.

Hmm. Maybe that's not where I wanted this story to go, but it sure came out that way.

Anyway, the moral is, never question the people in charge or you may end up migrating or an eaten tick.

The End.

And to think that all came from the generator. I also must point out that this blog has neither been thought out ahead of time, nor was it re-editing and may make little to no sense. Or analogy. Nor is there any connection to history. At all in anyway. :)